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Saturday, 10 June 2017


the art of losing someone isn't hard to master. the days feel transparent, like i am walking through that  kind of barely yellow sun coming through a shield of clouds--too thin. empty light. it doesn't land.


after something really bad happens, the next worse thing is people feeling sorry for you about it. it's like confirmation that something is really wrong.

Friday, 9 June 2017


i had had so much in my head, but suddenly there was nothing to say.

that's when i started crying again. 

the tears wouldn't stop. 

i wanted to find him. 


an amy winehouse song, "he can only hold her" for so long

the man in the song tries to love the girl, but she's not really there, not all the way.

she's running from something inside her that he can't see. 

i think that there's something like that inside me. 


...and then i said something i think all the time but always swallow back in. i said, i love you. 


when i'm talking to him, the sad i feel changes from sad like watching a balloon drift out of sight to sad in an it's-good-to-know-your-soul-works way. 

and once i'm done talking to him, all kinds of mixed up sad overwhelms me. 


i know that it can be hard to believe that someone loves you if you are afraid of being yourself, or if you're not exactly sure who you are. 

it can  be hard to believe that someone won't leave. 

but shouldn't i be the one to think that he leaves, instead of him thinking that i will be the one to leave. 


he said he's not good enough for her. 

she said she's not good enough for him. 

now they both act around each other like you do when you know something is going to end and you've decided not to know. 

but for today, they are still here. they are happy. they are happy? 


he makes all the sad things inside me go away. 

and then come back tenfold.